Contact, Personal, Blogs America's Foremost Transgender Woman

1. I'm only going to journal on or around the first day of each month...this way, any of you wanting to keep up with my life & progress - will know roughly when I'll include updates.
2. I'll add a "Photo of the Month" about the 15th of each month...these new pictures will showcase some of my favorite fashions & provide tips for gals seeking to acquire affordable fine garments.
3. I'll add fresh content...look for notes to newly uploaded / revised site sections in my "What's New" area.

1. A dear friend & mentor passed away. He was the one who first taught me about art & antiques: sparking a lifelong journey. I'll miss him a lot.
2. My car started acting weird last week & I discovered it'll require some major repairs. With all that I'm presently undertaking? That's about the last thing I needed right now.
3. August temperatures stayed consistently above 100F in Atlanta which sapped mine & everybody else's energy. It also made people rather bitchy: including me...know what I mean?
4. My work projects were stuck in a horizontal spin. Try as I might, I achieved very little forward progress during the month of August.
5. The liquidity crisis in mortgage-backed securities concerned me: I feel its implications might be more brutal on our economy over the next twelve months than others...which caused me to reflect upon my plans & account for its potential impact.
6. I'm still overweight: go figure...  :(  

1. Had a couple of joyful visits with both family & friends this past month. I'll forfeit the details for everyone's sake but suffice it so say it was all very special.
2. I'm finally back down to fighting weight after a year of holding a "few extra pounds" that just didn't want to get gone. It's rather ridiculous how my weight now affects my self image. Rather sad approach to living I suppose but I appear to be stuck with it since becoming female. Still not as "tight" as before, thus I'm adding more exercise to my health regimen in April. I turn forty-six in June & I'll be damned if I'm going to look my age when I hit the big 5-0!
3. I developed a new cleaning technology that's my first high-quality original idea since transition. Holding my breath as we await the results & interpretation of the detailed patent search. Honestly? It felt good to find & develop this new concept no matter what comes of it. Still...would be nice if the results come back as positive as my cursory review indicated that they should. We'll see...
4. My new enterprise continues to come together pretty-much as planned. Money's tight as I self-fund most aspects but I've learned to survive about as cheaply as possible. Sadly, that means no new art acquisitions or fine clothing anytime soon. You'd think I would've been smart enough to hooch up with some wealthy guy before I began this new odyssey but that would have been too easy. You know me...high IQ: and dumb as a box-of-hammers. *Laugh* 

The Back of the Bus
A Tribute to Southern Comfort Conference 2002
By Renee Reyes
For "passing" first grade, they made him return
How’s that for success, and some luck?
Thus, early to bed – a peck on his head
  He waited outside for the truck.
 
Climbing on board, grabbing a seat
Eyes chasing each minor fuss,
Spying in verso – a dark-skinned young lady
–        Alone...in the back of the bus.
 
A child asked his mother – what person is this
... the same, yet so different from me?
Those eyes shined like fire, she shared with her sire
exactly as I will tell thee:
 
“The back of the bus – is really the front
A place where the angels do tend,
The gateway to heaven - it opens forever 
–        When the girl in the back is your friend."

 A football team captain, class president was he
 Not bad - for a boy from the back,
 No gender to hinder – his race made him tender
 His future looked sharp as a tack.
 
 Fast-forward a score - add a few years
 Now comes dishonor and shock,
 For under all that - a transsexual female
 –        Complete with her closets and frocks.
 
What might Lincoln do – if he saw his son now
Would he offer a pillow as rack?
Never mind those who died - to crush such deep scars
His world – just screamed: “please use the back”.
 
He’d been there before, he knew this terrain
But somehow it felt extra low,
You know the difference – he understood too…
–        He’d never been forced - there to go.
 
 He grasped for support – none he could find
 A cancer had taken his tree,
 Cold hearted in anger, he cried to the heavens
 “No angels avail there for me?”

A head bowed in sorrow – a heart filled with shame
Gravity tugging at knees,
From deep in his soul, he tasted that spirit
–        And suddenly there was a “she”.

 He cried as she held him, dabbing mascara
 Clearing those eyes filled with foam,
 She smiled at her baby – and said only these words
 –        "I knew you could find your way home".
  
This poem, it was started – one year ago
The words somehow lost in the midst,
It took SCC – one thousand good sisters
For me to discover its gist.
 
It’s really quite simple, His son made it clear 
A camel and eye to be free,
Today he might mention, the back of the bus
– The best way to walk - with Thee.

 
the end of amos & andy 02-01-07
Wow...pretty impressive start to '07.
Or as one of my favorite dance partners used to say: "Not bad, for a white girl..." *Grin*
Worth noting?
This was perhaps the first time in our new millennium that I maintained continuing positive effort from my mind, body & spirit for a solid month. Know what else? I'm genuinely excited about my new little company. I actually arise each morning eager to attack the day's manifest. It's not the most monumental venture I've ever attempted but it's decidedly my most clever. At present, I'm consumed with finalizing my innovative flight plan & the occasional amusement offered by the renewed roar of my engine and watching all my little entrepreneurial gauges coming back to life. It's all so friggin' cool. I'm curious though: I wonder if I'll fly differently than before once airborne. Time will tell... 
Most importantly? I'm enjoying myself.
Although it's not my primary goal, one byproduct I hope to achieve is laying some decent groundwork for other tranz-gals to leapfrog into higher realms of entrepreneurial success. As with African American culture of the 1950's, our present post-transition successes are fairly limited. Our most visible examples are usually embedded in entertainment or arenas where tenure plays a role. Traditional free-market economies remain somewhat elusive  - hence my titled reference to Amos & Andy. We're going to help change that in my lifetime & I'm going to eventually sleep knowing tranz-women will manifest their unique skills and intellect in a manner commensurate with their gifts. I believe it's even possible...however unlikely, that there might come a day about two hundred years from now when being born transgender could be considered a gift by some parents & society at large. 'Ya never know...but that possibility is left up to our generation.

In retrospect, January wasn't entirely trouble-free: got ugly-sick for a few days around the 24th...yuck! Here I am...totally wiped with a low-grade fever, a nasty cough & a deepened voice I thought I'd lost so long ago. My hair? It had that whole puberty-styled frizz-thing going from three days of showering less any brushing & straightening. I felt like crap & I was topping-off my misery by wolfing down one of those mega-sized Hershey's with Almonds in a glucose induced state of depression...then Taylor calls: tells me how much he's missing me & that he's changing flights to allow for a twenty-four hour layover in ATL. "I'll be there in a couple of hours...let's do dinner & something very special". Ahem...I don't think so. People sometimes ask if I ever miss being a man? At moments like that? It crosses my mind...*Laugh*
Even in these better times, I still face moments of fear & despair. They don't last very long...but I still have them. My trepidation is usually rooted in my plans and the related hurdles upon my horizon. When the next impediments appear to be even higher than those I just skinned my knees clearing? I can get a little bent.
My entire existence often feels like one lifelong, grueling battle with the heart of the bell-curve. Just once, I'd love to live fat-and-happy nestled in the midst of popular opinion. Must be nice having the majority cajole you over being right...even if you're wrong. George Bernard Shaw described it best but he kindly left out the part about all the scarring that results from unreasonableness. Some days? You're just not up for the fight.
I also face some pretty weird moments of reflection versus reality. At times I feel a bit like Tom Hanks character in "Castaway"...like I just returned from a remote island where I was marooned during seven years of transition. I'm the same human being as before the odyssey but I'm a decidedly different person. Does that make any sense? I'm older than before yet more youthful in my outlook...uglier to humanity yet more beautiful on the inside...just more sides to the same 'ole coin known as me, I suppose. I definitely weigh less: couldn't have been all bad, huh? Anyway...the paradox always arises from insights & confusion derived by living two highly distinctive lives in one short lifespan.
One other thing? Realizing I'm now at a perplexing age socially-speaking. The bottom line? I'm too old to be young & I'm too young to be old...know what I'm talking about? I'll give you a good example...I'm wanting to take up dancing again this year as it was always one of my favorite ways to keep in good physical shape. Alas, the old clubs I once enjoyed are now long gone. The new ones? The crowds cause me to feel like somebody's mother. I stopped by one of those ballroom dancing gatherings at the Hyatt Ravinia & realized I was just about the only gal without blue hair. By wearing my favorite dancing heels, I added to my dilemma by pretty much towering over every man in the place: and I'm only 5'9 without them. In March, I'm planning to join one of those new contemporary dance lessons / clubs thingy's. This should all be a relatively simple task...sucks getting older. *Sigh*
On a final note? Maintaining public stealth in my new vistas remains a quagmire. Can I...should I...will I...be able to share details of my business projects & ongoing life at my gender site? If I was my competitor? I'd use it all against me. The heartland hasn't remotely begun to embrace this condition as anything more than some sort of unexplained fetish. If you don't know that? You're not living in my reality.
How do I keep my transsexualism off the lead of any discussions about my new venture...yet not have it come as a big surprise if & when the subject pops-up? What about this web page...can I maintain it & not face repercussions? I like to think my new business is of the quality where I can weather any gender-related hurricanes in the first phases...then ride-out inclement weather as it occurs. My nightmare continues to be the constant political game played with "gay marriage". It seems like every time somebody creates a fresh public parade about that bandwagon in search of votes...I get kicked in the shins. It's not fair and it gets depressing. However, I'm getting more skilled at dancing around just before the music starts in order to minimize bruising.
I'm right at that point where I can probably vanish...and it's very tempting. I'm no longer active in Genderland except for my web presence & I'm pretty much free-and-clear of any related association, drama or bulls-eye. I have so much respect & appreciation for those gals that publicly represent our cause in a professional & contentious manner. I'm equally irked by the ego maniacs that jump at every opportunity to run their self-serving mouths in front of a crowd...and leave the rest of us to get disparaged by their tomfoolery.
Just not yet sure about each of these aspects. However, I know that all will be resolved soon enough. One day at a time...remains the motto of the moment.
The bottom line? I'm beaming as we speak & it's kinda' nice to finally wallow in joyfulness.
My best to everyone!
Keep the faith...
RR
a sleepless night  01-08-07

Don't ask me why but I can't seem to enjoy more than one good night's-sleep every few days. Awoke at 2:30AM after having just dozed-off right after midnight. Tried sleeping pills but they simply make me groggy & depressed for most of the following day. Not sure what's got to change but this is intolerable. It's now almost six in-the-morning & my new day will be upon me shortly: kinda' sucks. Starting exercising intently again: perhaps that'll help.
I'm thinking my unrest is rooted in the intensity upon my horizon. There's a big-run coming up & it'll continue for another twenty years. Guess I'm still trying to make sense of the details. No...that isn't it: it's bigger than that. Perhaps I'm pregnant & not yet aware of my condition. *Laugh* Hey...they just made out Angelia Jolie as the virgin-Mary so I suppose my plight's a possibility? Yeah...I know. Whatever..
This is one of those entries where I'm scribing for scribing's sake: a/k/a wasting time. Usually gets me in trouble. Learned the hard way: Renee thinks too much? Not good...
Did a bunch of writing this past weekend. Invested Friday night into an improved version of my company business plan. On Saturday, I created the core flow for my new art website. And yesterday? I spent about eight hours working on new sections for this web site where I'm presently meandering back-and-forth between the new chapters on Transition & completing sections in the unfinished portions of the Admirer's Handbook. 
I still haven't made total sense of my life plans & directions. Part of the problem correlates to resolving what I'm really chasing from all my hard work. In other words: what's my higher purpose? I was once absorbed with the impact my success might have on other transgender entrepreneurs but that's now less heartening. I'm so over being transgendered: sick of it. I no longer need or want it to play any role in my future. I've got another twenty years of potentially high-quality work left in my loins. How will I create a whole that exceeds the sum of the parts? I suspect there's an important life-lesson buried in this mystery but I'll be damned if I can find it.
Know what?
It's all probably just a byproduct of my gender evolution as I go from being transgendered to just being "me".
On that note?
I'm off for another shot at some deep-sleep.
Keep the faith...
RR
be it resolved... 01-02-07
Never been a huge fan of New Year's resolutions as I usually define benchmarks by associated timelines versus fixed points in space established by a bunch of Romans. If anything, my birthday typically serves as my re-dedication to dreams.
This year's decidedly different.
What's biggest on my 2007 goal list?

1. One more intensive run of electrolysis & a few more months of touch-up & I'll finally be done with the nightmare known as my f***ing facial hair. Thank, God! Almost totally stealth. By year end? I'll be 99.5%...works for me.
2. After nineteen years in Atlanta, I'm moving this year. Simply stated: it's time for a fresh start.
3. My first book is almost completed, my additional publishing projects are well underway and my plans in this regard take full-steam in 2007. It's exciting watching this new vista come together.
4. The business plan for my new enterprise is almost gelled. I'll need to get the "big move" out of the way first. Thus, I probably won't get to officially launch my new venture until 2008. However, I'm sure going to try & bring it together by year-end. It's electrifying.
5. I'm finally going to upload a basic version of my art web site. This essentially matters zilch to the real world but it matters a great deal to yours truly.
6. Like most people, I'm dedicated to losing a few extra pounds & getting in better physical condition. I found a church I really enjoy & I plan to continue my spiritual development as well.